It’s taken me a long time to write this, and while I’d love to blame writer’s block the reason for my procrastination is rooted in what often holds me back, avoidance.
Earlier this year, I wrote my theme for 2018: Show Up.
I created a cute vision board for my desktop screensaver and I even went ahead and scheduled live events so that I can, you know, show up.
For the first quarter of 2018, I was showing up more than before. I had teamed up with some very visible chicas and I was forced to step out of my comfort zone by doing live videos.
I was “showing up.”
I had planned 2 events, one in NYC and one in D.C. because it was time that I know, you know, “showed up.”
During this time, I continued to work with clients privately and I maintained a somewhat consistent presence online and via email because showing up is not a one-time thing but a daily practice.
In hindsight, I now see that I was only showing up with the version of who I thought I needed to be at that time. I won’t throw my past self under the bus for the sake of whatever newfound awakening I’ve grown into. The Vicky of early 2018 did the best she could just like the Vicky of 2019 will continue to do the best she can.
But something shifted and it took a health scare around my birthday to realize that things not only needed to change immediately but somewhat drastically as well.
And so I did, change that is. But this time the change had to evolve from within and to kickstart that journey I had to shut down and reboot. Yes, I “control, alt and delete” the people and things in my life that were no longer aligned with where I needed to go. Here’s the thing though, at that time, I had NO CLUE where I was going to go. I was on a journey without having any idea what the destination would be. So, in true Vicky fashion, I retreated, sat back, and observed.
- I looked at who got upset that I was no longer available to them.
- I looked at who disappeared when I no longer reached out to them.
- I looked at what people were saying when they thought I wasn’t paying attention.
- I looked at how people acted when they thought I was looking.
It’s no secret that I struggle with boundaries but this time I had to be much more diligent about being accountable for the energy I was allowing into my life. Being told by a doctor, the day before your birthday, that they thought you were having a stroke, turned out to be the emotional rock bottom I didn’t know I needed.
And so started the spring + summer transformation that changed a lot for me, more so on the inside than outside. I developed discipline, I honored my intuition, I held myself accountable, and I reconnected with myself in a way I had not done in well over 20 years. In essence, I did what I didn’t know I’d set out to do – I showed up for myself.
There were many heart-to-heart conversations I had to have with myself this year that helped give me the insight I needed to better understand who I want to be and how to evolve into this version that I am capable of being.
Do you want to live?
During the spring, while inquiring about breast reduction surgery, I had to undertake a mammogram to ensure my boobies qualified for such a procedure. As it turned out, the busty girls were keeping a secret and after several rounds of testing, it turned out their secret was not malignant. Looking back, I can rationally know this happens to many women and often times testings are just precautions that don’t amount to much.
However, for many women, the results of the biopsy aren’t as fortunate and when you’re going through the process, no amount of assurance will ease your mind. As all of the minor issues were getting eliminated from the list of possibilities, I had to prepare for a possible “C-word” diagnosis.
So I mentally prepared for what that could mean, not to stress myself out. Waiting for test results is a stressful experience all by itself. Rather, I wanted to be ready should I have to shift my energy, attention, and focus towards a new kind of journey.
In the midst of doing this, I asked myself a difficult question: Do you want to live?
If we’re being honest, I still cannot answer this question, nor do I want to. It became clear that words and thoughts were not doing me justice. If I wanted to live I needed to act like it. I became obsessed with being action-driven and decided that I needed to embody the vision I had for myself.
So the summer of 2018 will always be etched in my memory as a metamorphosis phase for my physical and emotional self.
During this time, I was waking up at 5:30am, going on 5 mile walks every morning, got into kickboxing (and just as quickly got right back out!), worked out at the gym, meal prepped, dropped 40 pounds, and regained a sense of self I had allowed to get lost over the last 20 years.
Many of the aha moments I learned have brought me to where I am today, surrendering my namesake brand to embrace a business that is better aligned with my expertise. The shift I had not seen coming in January of 2018 and yet here I am, in December 2018, with a brand new perspective, vision, brand, and business.
A lot can change in 12 months and I now know that 2018 was merely a catalyst for what awaits me in 2019.
Sometimes life needs to go for the “shock and awe” in order for us to make the changes we need to make in order to get on track with where we are meant to go.
I didn’t need to get “randomly” sick on my trip out of town, but that was what needed to happen to put me where I am today. And for that I am eternally grateful.